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Internet Message Format  |  1996-03-16  |  6KB
  1. From: Michael_A._Bode@f7808.n2448.z2.fido.sub.org (Michael A. Bode)
  2. Organization: Amiga, was soll man sonst noch sagen ? ;))
  3. Path: f7808.n2448.z2.fidonet.org!not-for-mail
  4. Newsgroups: fido.ger.amiga
  5. Subject: USENET: TOPSECRET MS SOURCE CODE
  6. Message-ID: <MSGID_2=3A2448=2F7808.0=40fidonet_F02D20A6@fidonet.org>
  7. Date: Sat, 25 Nov 1995 14:58:40 +0200
  8.  
  9. Ursprung: comp.sys.amiga.advocacy
  10.    Autor: robin@hell.xs4all.nl (Robin Vermaat)
  11.    Datum: 21.11.1995, 14:48:06 Uhr
  12.  
  13. Es hat zwar nur _sehr_ _indirekt_ mit dem Amiga zu tun, aber ich fand das
  14. alles einfach zu gut !
  15.  
  16.  ------------------  Beginning of the forwarded Message  ------------------
  17.  
  18.  * This message forwarded from area 'NLA_PROGRAMMING' (NLA_PROGRAMMING)
  19.  * Original message dated 14 Nov 95, from Eddy Pronk
  20.  
  21. TOPSECRET!!! SOURCE-CODE!!!! CHECK THIS OUT!!!
  22.  
  23. Look what we've intercepted from Microsoft after a week of hard hacking their
  24. computersystem:
  25.  
  26. Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):
  27.  
  28. #include <nonsense.h>
  29. #include <lies.h>
  30. #include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
  31. #include <process.h> /* For the court of law */
  32.  
  33. #define say(x) lie(x)
  34. #define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
  35. #define next_year soon
  36. #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship   another_beta_version 
  37.  
  38. void main()
  39. { 
  40.   if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
  41.   {
  42.     if (there_are_still_bugs)
  43.       market(bugfix);
  44.     if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
  45.       raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
  46.   }
  47.   while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
  48.   {
  49.     make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */
  50.     if (rumours_grow_wilder)
  51.       make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
  52.     if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
  53.     {
  54.       market_time=ready;
  55.       say("It will be ready in one month);
  56.       order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version); 
  57.       order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
  58.       order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
  59.       vapourware=TRUE;
  60.       break;
  61.      }    
  62.   }
  63.   switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
  64.   {
  65.      case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
  66.        say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
  67.        break;
  68.     case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
  69.        say("Yes it will work");
  70.        ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
  71.        pretend(there_is_no_problem);  
  72.        break;
  73.      case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
  74.        say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
  75.            " the 32 bits architecture");
  76.        inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
  77.        inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
  78.               "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
  79.        inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
  80.        get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
  81.        break;
  82.      case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
  83.        say(Oeh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone");
  84.        register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book); 
  85.        when(time_is_ready)
  86.        {
  87.          arrest(journalist);
  88.          brainwash(journalist);
  89.          when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
  90.          {
  91.            order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
  92.            release (journalist);
  93.          }
  94.        }
  95.        break;
  96.    }
  97.    while (vapourware)
  98.    {    
  99.      introduction_date++; /* Delay */
  100.      if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
  101.        break;
  102.      say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
  103.   }
  104.   release(beta_version)  
  105.   while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
  106.   {
  107.     bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
  108.     release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
  109.     introduce(more_memory_requirements);
  110.     if (customers_report_installation_problems)
  111.     {
  112.       say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
  113.       if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
  114.       {
  115.         ignore(customer); 
  116.         order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this bastard");
  117.       }
  118.     } 
  119.     if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
  120.     {
  121.       divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
  122.       wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
  123.       marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
  124.       devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
  125.       if (boobies_start_to_hang)
  126.         dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
  127.     }
  128.     if (there_is_another_company)
  129.     {
  130.       steal(their_ideas);
  131.       accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
  132.       hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
  133.       wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
  134.       buy_out(other_company);
  135.     }
  136.   }
  137.   /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */
  138.   order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
  139.   buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
  140.   laugh_at(everyone,
  141. for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
  142. } 
  143.   
  144. void bugfix(void)
  145. {
  146.   charge (a_lot_of_money)
  147.   if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
  148.     say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
  149.   if (still_complaints)
  150.   {
  151.     ignore(customer);
  152.     register(customer, big_Bill_book);
  153.     /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
  154.   } 
  155. }
  156.         
  157.         
  158.         
  159.         
  160.       
  161. -- Via Xenolink 1.97, XenolinkUUCP 1.1
  162.  --------------------   End of the forwarded Message   --------------------
  163.  
  164.    _
  165. _ // Freundlichen Gruss,                Amiga 4000T, WarpEngine 040/28
  166. \X/ Michael * root@morphic.art-line.de  18 MB RAM, 3.0 GB HD, CD-ROM
  167.  
  168.           Excelsior! BBS Support & Registration-Site Germany
  169.  
  170.